Have been grappling with these feelings for years and I think this is just a me writing down a lot of feelings that are quite suffocating.
I have a friend who I’ve known for 15 years, she has always been a good friend on paper, supportive, generous and kind. The only problem is I’ve always found her too much, I am quite introverted while she is an extrovert who steam rolls conversations with her opinions, she is also an only child and lacks self awareness. I know she doesn’t mean it to come off disrespectful, she can’t really help it.
Over the years I’ve felt a lot of pressure as I find it quite exhausting to be around, and I find her incredibly annoying. Everything she does annoys me. She can be vain, arrogant and lacking in social self awareness. I could never say this to her as she would be devastated, I know she is actually quite an insecure person.
I have had depression for years and she has always been very supportive, but something that I find upsetting is her lack of honesty on the stuff that isn’t going right in her life. All I hear is how amazing everything is and how well she’s doing and I just don’t believe it, I just need to hear that she’s human like the rest of us and I need honesty. I know I am jealous of her as she is quite wealthy and I’ve always been the depressed one from a single parent family, i’ve always felt like a bit of a charity case and thats not how I want to feel anymore or the only part of who I am. I just don’t feel good about myself when I’m with her, I’ve moved on in my life, live in a different city and have just completed Uni with a 2:1. I just find her personality too much for me, I don’t want her to change I think I’ve just realised I don’t have the capacity for it.
I just don’t know what to do because i don’t want to lay into her about all this because she’s done nothing wrong. I know that I’ve got work to do on myself and a lot of this is jealousy. I don’t know whether I need to end the friendship?