Where to find strength?

[Valerie Kadlec]

Hi People. Happy 2021.

I haven’t been here in ages, but I think it’s appropriate to post since I am not feeling well.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

In the last 3 years I lost my wife to divorce, had to file for bankruptcy, lost my job, found an amazing job, then lost the job due to company closing because of Covid, and then found out a few days after that I had cancer. I am cured now, btw.

I am working hard right now to get back to some state of normalcy. I live super healthy, I do cardio 5 days a week, ride my road bike 2 times during the week and 1 long ride on the weekend. I am looking for work now that I am able to get out after my radiation. I study daily. I eat very healthy. No junk. No weed. No alcohol. No soda. No porn. I am trying hard. I am sure I could do better, but I am improving daily. I am almost in a robotic mode because my whole day is scheduled in advance and is basically the same. I know that working hard on myself is the only way to get ahead. I am trying, far from perfect, but I am trying.

My problem is the baggage I carry. I am punishing myself for all my past mistakes and I feel like sh%t because of it. I get overwhelming anxiety because I feel like I screwed up so badly that my life is over. I don’t know how to cope with that feeling and nothing is working. Nothing. There are so many problems, but none of them are end of the world. The ONLY way I can move forward is to continue doing what I am doing for a long time, but it won’t work if I feel sick and I do feel sick, almost to the point of being nauseous from the overwhelming worry.

Thank you!

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